

- Chapter 1 - LIFE SHOULD BE FAIR It’s very hard to assure equality . . . Some men are killed in war, others are wounded, and some never leave the country. —John F. Kennedy Life isn’t fair. But most of us believe it should be. And why not? It’s only fair that life should be fair. Every single one of us wants to think that we’re guaranteed a fair shake in life. If I’m a good boy, then good things should happen to me. Yes, life should be fair. Yet it is exactly this belief that causes us so much heartache and makes forgiveness so hard. Why? Because even if we think life should be fair, it often isn’t. FROM CHILDHOOD ON We were children when we first learned that life should be fair. We were taught that if we played fairly with others, they would play fairly with us. So I shared my toys with you and expected you to share your toys with me. In elementary school many of us had this fairness lesson reinforced daily as we repeated the Pledge of Allegiance: “one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” This commitment to universal justice implies that life should be fair. After all, if we are all created equal—as our social studies teachers insisted— then all of us deserve to be treated equally. It’s only fair. So in high school we gave a friend a ride, and we were certain that when we needed a lift, that friend would make a set of wheels available. In college, we helped a roommate with homework, and we assumed that she would help us when we needed it. When we got married, we vowed to be faithful, and we were confident that the one we loved would remain faithful to us. And why wouldn’t we feel such confidence? After all, fair is fair. IN THE EYES OF THE BEHOLDER As a society we place a lot of stock on the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” And this guideline, if we all lived by it, would indeed guarantee fairness in life. But not all of us live according to this principle, and even those of us who try aren’t 100 percent consistent. So, in an effort to be sure that we all play the game of life fairly, society makes rules and passes laws. Without rules, anarchy would reign. Actually, all relationships are governed by spoken as well as unspoken rules. These rules may range from parental guidance to religious values, from community norms to general life experiences. Whatever their source, these rules govern our expectations of how others should treat us. As long as other people meet our expectations and we meet theirs, our relationships bring mutual satisfaction. Sounds good—but there’s a problem, and it’s a big one. The trouble is that fairness is often in the eyes of the beholder. After all, each one of us has our own sense of moral justice based upon the cultural or religious values we embrace. Therefore different individuals hold differing (and often conflicting) moral values. At some point those values will clash, and someone will feel the sting of unfairness. In other words, what seems fair to you may seem extremely unfair to me. Your boss, for example, may think it fair to require you to stay late one night to finish a project. Now, we all know that everyone needs to pitch in with a little extra effort from time to time. Fair’s fair. But you may have already promised your wife and kids that you would spend a special evening with them. Besides, you’ve already put in a lot of overtime on that project. So, to you, your boss’s expectation feels very unfair. Another case in point. The law says we must all drive the speed limit and stay in our lane. But if someone cuts in front of me and I have to slam on the brakes and coffee spills in my lap, the other guy hasn’t played by the rules—and yet who suffers the consequences? I do. Life is not fair. Even in our play, rules govern fairness. In sports, competitors have to follow a detailed set of rules. Should players get caught breaking the rules, those individuals are called for a foul, and their team is penalized. Have you ever played a game where the other person makes up the rules as the game goes along? That’s not fun, nor is it fair. And yet many people make up the rules of life as they go. They design rules to suit their own purposes with no regard for how their behaviors may affect someone else. And that’s not fair! Whoever we are, we all expect life to be fair. Physicians want to decide what is best for their patients—but managed care is changing the rules. Homeowners want to know that they can keep their homes for life—but Congress is widening the scope of eminent domain. We want gas prices to remain stable—but big oil raises prices every time it rains. Where’s the fairness in any of this? We want life to be fair so that our lives will remain stable, and we will know how to manage our affairs. Inevitably, though, someone else refuses to live by our set of rules, and a violation occurs. And when we’re the ones hurt, we’re the ones stuck with the consequences. . . and that can’t be fair! WORKING TO RESTORE BALANCE When someone treats me unfairly, I typically respond with anger. I feel upset, hurt, and frustrated by this violation against me. In fact, I perceive it as a personal attack—probably deliberate and certainly evil. I begin thinking about the violation, mulling it over, pondering it, brooding over it, stewing over it: Why did he do that? What was he trying to get from me? What a bad person. Evil. Terrible! I have to do something! He dropped a bomb on me, I have to drop a bomb on him. “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth”—that seems fair to me. The natural response to being hurt is wanting to even the score: I have to get back. I was moving along on such an even keel, but now I have to rebalance my life. That’s the reason why, when someone takes from me, I focus my energy on taking back from her. It’s my attempt to make things fair. For many reasons this sense of fairness is a good thing. It gives us the energy and determination to take a stand against injustices. It allows us to live together and get along. And when our attempts to regain fairness work, we do get a real feeling of satisfaction. Sometimes, however, no matter what you do, you cannot ensure that every situation will be fair. And when you cannot achieve fairness, you naturally respond with hurt and anger and immediately go to work to get back on an even keel. Such efforts usually follow a definite progression. 1. You try to win an apology. As the wronged party, you attempt to get the other person to admit the offense and, by apologizing, restore some sense of fairness to life. If that happens, then you can go on. Since the violator made up for the wrong, you can move ahead. But what happens if the other person sees no need to apologize? What if he refuses to make restitution? What if she won’t even admit that she offended or hurt you? 2. When the apology doesn’t come, you feel additional hurt, and your anger becomes resentment. If the party who hurt you does not admit the offense and apologize for it, you are left holding a bag that’s filling up with more hurt and anger. Suddenly you’re facing a truth that shakes your world to its core: life really isn’t fair. Some come to this realization earlier in life than others, but we will all face this situation at some time. Remember, you were taught as a child that if you play by the rules, everything will work out OK. If you share your toys with others, they will share their toys with you. But this person—this wretch, this villain, this lowlife—not only refuses to apologize, but won’t even admit that he or she is responsible for your hurt. And that makes you very angry! You are left feeling violated and taken advantage of. And often more than a little resentful. 3. Anger gives you the energy to act. It is your anger that gives you the energy either to seek some sort of vengeance or to muster support and understanding from others. After all, offenders must be punished. You therefore need to strike back somehow so this person who did you wrong can feel some of the pain that he or she inflicted upon you. Again, your anger gives you the energy you need to attempt to restore fairness in your life. When you were little, you would tell your mommy about the wrong done to you. She probably would have been understanding and helped you feel better. But, as an adult, who do you turn to? Who will understand you and make things better? Some may hire a lawyer to file suit and seek some kind of financial compensation in court. Or maybe you consider damaging one of the offender’s treasured possessions. Maybe you try to ruin his reputation. Maybe you take away something she loves. Whatever you choose to do, you strike back in an attempt to balance the score—in short, to make life fair again. 4. When you don’t act, you fantasize about revenge. But we don’t often act on our fantasies. Sometimes we don’t act because of our fear of being caught. Sometimes our own moral values prevent us from returning evil for evil. No matter what the reason, we are the ones left holding the bag with no way of evening the score, so our anger often bubbles just beneath the surface as some form of bitterness. You may never admit you’re angry, but you do hold a grudge, and you find yourself continually repeating— to yourself or to others—the terrible story of what’s happened to you. You turn over in your mind all the possible ways of getting back, of getting even, of balancing the books, of evening the score, and of making life fair once more. As you contemplate, dwell on, and dissect the awful thing your tormentor did to you, if/then thinking takes over: If I send a blistering e-mail, then she will have to apologize. If I stop talking to him, then he’ll feel so bad that he’ll finally make it right. If I tell all my friends what she did, then they’ll see what a terrible person she is and cut her out of our circle. Soon such thoughts begin to steal an increasing amount of your time and energy. Your mind, like everyone else’s, finds it easy to work overtime on all sorts of if/then scenarios—some of which you might actually try, most of which you would never attempt— but they all have one thing in common: they almost never work. The if/then scenarios that bubble and pop and roil in your brain have almost no chance of ever making the situation fair again. Their real effect, in fact, is to keep you chained to an undesirable past and a bleak future. To make things worse, one retaliatory act of vengeance often spurs a reciprocal response until a cycle of actions and reactions spins out of control. It can become like the infamous feud between the Hatfields and the McCoys. They know they are still fighting, but who can recall exactly what started it all? Such a story cannot possibly have a good ending. 5. You withdraw from life. Few people act out any of the vengeance scenarios they create in their minds. Oh, like many others, you may spend a lot of time brewing up the plans, but either you fear reprisal of some kind (legal, economic, relational), or you simply don’t have the heart to carry out your vengeful fantasies. In either case, you eventually begin to withdraw from life. A feeling of overwhelming helplessness sweeps over you, and you start to move away from the people and activities you once enjoyed. You withdraw like this because you don’t want to get hurt in the same way again, or you simply want to avoid the conflict and the person who treated you so unfairly. Although withdrawal lessens the chance you will be hurt in the same way again, it also guarantees that you will not enjoy life the way you really want to. The more you withdraw, the more isolated you become and the more lonely and diminished you feel. How is that a victory over the person who hurt you? THE ONLY WAY OUT: FORGIVENESS Often your attempt to restore fairness will fail. While a certain, temporary pleasure might come from hurting the one who hurt you, in the end it not only leaves a bad taste in your mouth, but it also leaves a bad scar on your soul. So what does work? Forgiveness. I have to be kidding, right? Why should you let this person off the hook when he or she deserves to be blamed? That is not fair! Maybe not, but you will see in this book that forgiveness is actually the best thing you can do for yourself. I want to offer a clear road map that shows how you can find health and wholeness by forgiving the ones who hurt you. *Forgive to Live* isn’t just a catchy title or an easy-to-remember slogan. It’s actually a concise description of an effective way to function in our unfair world. As you will discover, forgiveness is not the easy road, but it is the better road. Some of you might think of forgiveness as the obvious answer to life’s hurts since forgiveness allows everyone to move on. But here’s the catch: forgiveness, at its core, doesn’t feel fair. In fact, to forgive forces us to accept something that we don’t want to accept: namely, that life isn’t fair. The act of forgiveness recognizes and even trumpets that life isn’t fair. The truth is, forgiveness does not balance the scales of justice any more than vengeance does. But it will keep your past from destroying your future. Again, forgiveness is difficult because we all want to believe that life is fair. I know I do! Yet letting the other person off the hook seems so unfair. That is why many hurting people resist forgiving those who hurt them. Do you still believe that life is fair? I see nothing wrong with wanting it to be fair. Nor is there anything wrong with seeking justice to make things as fair as you can. But, at the end of the day, neither you nor I can control the actions of others. We cannot foresee and prevent every bad thing that happens in life. And since that’s indisputably so, it is clearly impossible to make life fair in every situation. Once you accept this truth, your only viable option is to learn to forgive. Only through forgiveness can you be set free to go on with your life. Join me on this journey as you learn to *Forgive to Live. A PERSONAL TESTIMONY I did not reach this conclusion as a result of mere intellectual curiosity. I do not write from an ivory tower. My own experience of undeserved hurt—discovering firsthand that life is not fair despite my demands to the contrary—led me to the place where I could authentically write a book on how to forgive. For ten years I worked very hard for an organization I deeply believed in. When the company experienced a downturn, it brought in an outside firm to do something called “re-engineering,” a fancy name for figuring out ways to cut costs. In a service industry—and that’s where I was—the primary cost is labor. So company officials started circling employees’ names and handing them the infamous pink slip, stating that their employment with the company had come to an abrupt end. I got one of those slips. I felt devastated. How could this be? I had always received stellar performance reviews. My bosses called me a great worker. My co-workers all liked me. The people I reported to were personal friends of mine; we often did things together socially. And yet I went into work one day, was handed a note, and was told curtly, “Today’s your last day of work. Pack up and go.” And that was it— after I’d been there all those years! Like anyone else, I went through the stages of grief with the loss of my job. First came shock: I couldn’t believe I’d been let go. And then denial: “No, it couldn’t be me! There are a lot of other people they should have fired before me. I’m a hard worker. I delivered. I’m well liked. It can’t be!” But I couldn’t escape the reality that I was not going in to work the next day. As the truth settled in, I found myself getting increasingly angry and feeling more and more hurt. But I had no idea what to do with all these feelings. What could I do to get my job back? Answer: nothing. Then I started thinking: I have to do* something! It’s not fair! Maybe I can contact someone on the board. Maybe I should go to that person’s house and explain how bad this decision was. I started fantasizing about what I could do to get back, to get even, to balance the score. Even though I never acted on my fantasies, I just couldn’t let them go. Obviously I had to work, so I eventually found another job with a different company. But I soon made some startling discoveries. For one thing, I had a hard time investing in my work. I’m not going to give any company my all, my 120 percent plus again, I thought. Why should I? I’m not going to give my sweat and blood to another organization when people can just fire me tomorrow if they want to. I also noticed that I didn’t have the energy and passion for my work that I once had. I felt worn out, tired, exhausted. I did the job, but it didn’t excite me. I felt deeply discouraged and didn’t care much about anything. I certainly wasn’t happy. In time I began putting on weight. My blood pressure shot up. My doctor told me, “We’re going to have to put you on a blood pressure- lowering medication.” His words struck me hard. I had always been athletic and had never suffered from any disease, but suddenly I heard from my doctor that I needed to start taking drugs. Something big was going on here! As I reflected on my current life situation, I discovered that I was holding on to a huge amount of resentment about what had happened in my previous job. I was spending a great deal of energy thinking about my grievance story and what I could do to get back at the people at my former workplace who had hurt me. I felt perfectly justified in thinking those things—but eventually I began to realize the extremely high price I was paying by thinking this way. Even though in my mind I was trying to make them pay a price and therefore make life fair, the truth was that, two years after I’d lost my job, the only one paying a price was me. My health suffered in three primary areas: • Spiritually, I was feeling crummy about life and had begun to question whether it had any meaning or purpose. My days seemed to consist of nothing more than waking, working, eating, sleeping, and then starting all over again with exactly the same routine the next day. Was this all there was to being alive? Would this be my day-to-day experience for the rest of my life? • Psychologically, I didn’t see myself as angry—I wasn’t shouting or screaming or pounding walls—but my wife assured me that my short temper had grown even shorter. I had an edge in my voice whenever she said something that hit me the wrong way. My anger had settled into a deep resentment that revealed itself in my continual recalling of how terribly I had been mistreated. I certainly wasn’t relaxed and at peace with life. In fact, I was moving toward depression. • Physically, I was gaining weight, my blood pressure was rising, and I wasn’t exercising or even playing anymore. I had no energy, no zest for life, and I felt blah most of the time. Once I realized what was happening to me and the terrible price I was paying for my reaction to what someone had done to me, I began to read books and articles in an attempt to understand my experience. I also talked to trusted friends. What could I do to let go of this resentment? In time I came across what should have been an obvious answer: forgiveness is a way to let go of unfair situations. Without question, not forgiving was saddling me with seriously undesirable consequences. My doctor made it clear that high blood pressure can stem from many factors, but he thought that, in my case, reducing my anger and resentment might provide physical relief. Now, I had never intended not to forgive; in fact, I didn’t even realize I had that choice. I was just replaying in my mind the sad story of what had happened to me and my complete inability to do anything about it. But I discovered I wasn’t doing anything to change my situation for the better—and I was hurting myself. So I began learning how to forgive. And I can honestly say that it wasn’t easy. It didn’t happen just by my saying, “OK, I forgive you. Now everything’s fine.” I had to learn some steps, some processes, some ways of forgiving. Once I began to practice them, my blood pressure gradually returned to normal. I rediscovered a passion for living. I became much less moody at home. And, in learning to let go of my anger, I began to reinvest in life, reenergize my career, and get back on track with my life’s purpose. It felt as though I had discovered a miracle! My success made me wonder if I could help others learn the same process and enjoy similar benefits. Could I teach people with high blood pressure how to forgive and thereby help them achieve the same results I had? I started teaching about forgiveness, and soon physicians began to refer their patients to me. Eventually I designed a study to investigate whether forgiveness could have measurable health benefits. I took the participants through an eight-week program that taught them the practice and the art of forgiving (see appendix). The data we collected was nothing short of remarkable. At the beginning of the study, we gave all participants a psychological test that measured anger and hostility. We found that, by the end of the eight weeks, individuals with high blood pressure and elevated anger, who practiced forgiveness as taught in my seminar, were successful at both reducing their anger and lowering their blood pressure. Beyond that, participants spoke a lot about improved relationships and reinvesting in life. Forgiveness really worked! So if it worked for me and if it worked for the hundreds of people who came through our “Forgive for Life” training program, I thought I needed to share it with as many people as possible so others might experience for themselves the enormous power of forgiveness. And that’s what this book is about: how to get beyond your anger, move past the undesirable event that’s keeping you trapped, and find a healthy solution that will give you back your life. Forgiveness can free you from the past and open the door to a bright world of possibilities that you may not have even dared to imagine. Forgiveness is not merely a concept to be studied but a practical way to live life. So in each chapter I will invite you to practice what you learn by giving you an assignment. Here’s the first one: ASSIGNMENT What injustice, if any, would you like to correct so life will seem fairer to you? Name that injustice. In the incident you just identified, who hurt you? How has this incident affected you? What attempts to correct this injustice have you made? Take the forgiveness journey test to get a read on your current understanding of forgiveness.

- Chapter 1 -
LIFE SHOULD BE FAIR

It’s very hard to assure equality . . .
Some men are killed in war, others are wounded,
and some never leave the country.
—John F. Kennedy

Life isn’t fair.

But most of us believe it should be. And why not? It’s only fair that life should be fair. Every single one of us wants to think that we’re guaranteed a fair shake in life. If I’m a good boy, then good things should happen to me. Yes, life should be fair.

Yet it is exactly this belief that causes us so much heartache and makes forgiveness so hard. Why? Because even if we think life should be fair, it often isn’t.

FROM CHILDHOOD ON

We were children when we first learned that life should be fair. We were taught that if we played fairly with others, they would play fairly with us. So I shared my toys with you and expected you to share your toys with me.

In elementary school many of us had this fairness lesson reinforced daily as we repeated the Pledge of Allegiance: “one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” This commitment to universal justice implies that life should be fair. After all, if we are all created equal—as our social studies teachers insisted— then all of us deserve to be treated equally. It’s only fair.

So in high school we gave a friend a ride, and we were certain that when we needed a lift, that friend would make a set of wheels available.

In college, we helped a roommate with homework, and we assumed that she would help us when we needed it.

When we got married, we vowed to be faithful, and we were confident that the one we loved would remain faithful to us. And why wouldn’t we feel such confidence? After all, fair is fair.

IN THE EYES OF THE BEHOLDER

As a society we place a lot of stock on the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” And this guideline, if we all lived by it, would indeed guarantee fairness in life. But not all of us live according to this principle, and even those of us who try aren’t 100 percent consistent. So, in an effort to be sure that we all play the game of life fairly, society makes rules and passes laws. Without rules, anarchy would reign.

Actually, all relationships are governed by spoken as well as unspoken rules. These rules may range from parental guidance to religious values, from community norms to general life experiences. Whatever their source, these rules govern our expectations of how others should treat us. As long as other people meet our expectations and we meet theirs, our relationships bring mutual satisfaction.

Sounds good—but there’s a problem, and it’s a big one. The trouble is that fairness is often in the eyes of the beholder. After all, each one of us has our own sense of moral justice based upon the cultural or religious values we embrace. Therefore different individuals hold differing (and often conflicting) moral values. At some point those values will clash, and someone will feel the sting of unfairness. In other words, what seems fair to you may seem extremely unfair to me.

Your boss, for example, may think it fair to require you to stay late one night to finish a project. Now, we all know that everyone needs to pitch in with a little extra effort from time to time. Fair’s fair. But you may have already promised your wife and kids that you would spend a special evening with them. Besides, you’ve already put in a lot of overtime on that project. So, to you, your boss’s expectation feels very unfair.

Another case in point. The law says we must all drive the speed limit and stay in our lane. But if someone cuts in front of me and I have to slam on the brakes and coffee spills in my lap, the other guy hasn’t played by the rules—and yet who suffers the consequences? I do. Life is not fair.

Even in our play, rules govern fairness. In sports, competitors have to follow a detailed set of rules. Should players get caught breaking the rules, those individuals are called for a foul, and their team is penalized.

Have you ever played a game where the other person makes up the rules as the game goes along? That’s not fun, nor is it fair. And yet many people make up the rules of life as they go. They design rules to suit their own purposes with no regard for how their behaviors may affect someone else. And that’s not fair!

Whoever we are, we all expect life to be fair. Physicians want to decide what is best for their patients—but managed care is changing the rules. Homeowners want to know that they can keep their homes for life—but Congress is widening the scope of eminent domain. We want gas prices to remain stable—but big oil raises prices every time it rains. Where’s the fairness in any of this?

We want life to be fair so that our lives will remain stable, and we will know how to manage our affairs. Inevitably, though, someone else refuses to live by our set of rules, and a violation occurs. And when we’re the ones hurt, we’re the ones stuck with the consequences. . . and that can’t be fair!

WORKING TO RESTORE BALANCE

When someone treats me unfairly, I typically respond with anger. I feel upset, hurt, and frustrated by this violation against me. In fact, I perceive it as a personal attack—probably deliberate and certainly evil.

I begin thinking about the violation, mulling it over, pondering it, brooding over it, stewing over it: Why did he do that? What was he trying to get from me? What a bad person. Evil. Terrible! I have to do something! He dropped a bomb on me, I have to drop a bomb on him. “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth”—that seems fair to me. The natural response to being hurt is wanting to even the score: I have to get back. I was moving along on such an even keel, but now I have to rebalance my life. That’s the reason why, when someone takes from me, I focus my energy on taking back from her. It’s my attempt to make things fair.

For many reasons this sense of fairness is a good thing. It gives us the energy and determination to take a stand against injustices. It allows us to live together and get along. And when our attempts to regain fairness work, we do get a real feeling of satisfaction. Sometimes, however, no matter what you do, you cannot ensure that every situation will be fair. And when you cannot achieve fairness, you naturally respond with hurt and anger and immediately go to work to get back on an even keel. Such efforts usually follow a definite progression.

1. You try to win an apology. As the wronged party, you attempt to get the other person to admit the offense and, by apologizing, restore some sense of fairness to life. If that happens, then you can go on. Since the violator made up for the wrong, you can move ahead.

But what happens if the other person sees no need to apologize? What if he refuses to make restitution? What if she won’t even admit that she offended or hurt you?

2. When the apology doesn’t come, you feel additional hurt, and your anger becomes resentment. If the party who hurt you does not admit the offense and apologize for it, you are left holding a bag that’s filling up with more hurt and anger. Suddenly you’re facing a truth that shakes your world to its core: life really isn’t fair. Some come to this realization earlier in life than others, but we will all face this situation at some time. Remember, you were taught as a child that if you play by the rules, everything will work out OK. If you share your toys with others, they will share their toys with you. But this person—this wretch, this villain, this lowlife—not only refuses to apologize, but won’t even admit that he or she is responsible for your hurt. And that makes you very angry! You are left feeling violated and taken advantage of. And often more than a little resentful.

3. Anger gives you the energy to act. It is your anger that gives you the energy either to seek some sort of vengeance or to muster support and understanding from others. After all, offenders must be punished. You therefore need to strike back somehow so this person who did you wrong can feel some of the pain that he or she inflicted upon you. Again, your anger gives you the energy you need to attempt to restore fairness in your life.

When you were little, you would tell your mommy about the wrong done to you. She probably would have been understanding and helped you feel better. But, as an adult, who do you turn to? Who will understand you and make things better? Some may hire a lawyer to file suit and seek some kind of financial compensation in court. Or maybe you consider damaging one of the offender’s treasured possessions. Maybe you try to ruin his reputation. Maybe you take away something she loves. Whatever you choose to do, you strike back in an attempt to balance the score—in short, to make life fair again.

4. When you don’t act, you fantasize about revenge. But we don’t often act on our fantasies. Sometimes we don’t act because of our fear of being caught. Sometimes our own moral values prevent us from returning evil for evil. No matter what the reason, we are the ones left holding the bag with no way of evening the score, so our anger often bubbles just beneath the surface as some form of bitterness. You may never admit you’re angry, but you do hold a grudge, and you find yourself continually repeating— to yourself or to others—the terrible story of what’s happened to you. You turn over in your mind all the possible ways of getting back, of getting even, of balancing the books, of evening the score, and of making life fair once more.

As you contemplate, dwell on, and dissect the awful thing your tormentor did to you, if/then thinking takes over:

If I send a blistering e-mail, then she will have to apologize.
If I stop talking to him, then he’ll feel so bad that he’ll finally make it right.
If I tell all my friends what she did, then they’ll see what a terrible person she is and cut her out of our circle.

Soon such thoughts begin to steal an increasing amount of your time and energy. Your mind, like everyone else’s, finds it easy to work overtime on all sorts of if/then scenarios—some of which you might actually try, most of which you would never attempt— but they all have one thing in common: they almost never work. The if/then scenarios that bubble and pop and roil in your brain have almost no chance of ever making the situation fair again. Their real effect, in fact, is to keep you chained to an undesirable past and a bleak future.

To make things worse, one retaliatory act of vengeance often spurs a reciprocal response until a cycle of actions and reactions spins out of control. It can become like the infamous feud between the Hatfields and the McCoys. They know they are still fighting, but who can recall exactly what started it all? Such a story cannot possibly have a good ending.

5. You withdraw from life. Few people act out any of the vengeance scenarios they create in their minds. Oh, like many others, you may spend a lot of time brewing up the plans, but either you fear reprisal of some kind (legal, economic, relational), or you simply don’t have the heart to carry out your vengeful fantasies. In either case, you eventually begin to withdraw from life.

A feeling of overwhelming helplessness sweeps over you, and you start to move away from the people and activities you once enjoyed. You withdraw like this because you don’t want to get hurt in the same way again, or you simply want to avoid the conflict and the person who treated you so unfairly.

Although withdrawal lessens the chance you will be hurt in the same way again, it also guarantees that you will not enjoy life the way you really want to. The more you withdraw, the more isolated you become and the more lonely and diminished you feel. How is that a victory over the person who hurt you?

THE ONLY WAY OUT: FORGIVENESS

Often your attempt to restore fairness will fail. While a certain, temporary pleasure might come from hurting the one who hurt you, in the end it not only leaves a bad taste in your mouth, but it also leaves a bad scar on your soul. So what does work?

Forgiveness.

I have to be kidding, right? Why should you let this person off the hook when he or she deserves to be blamed? That is not fair! Maybe not, but you will see in this book that forgiveness is actually the best thing you can do for yourself.

I want to offer a clear road map that shows how you can find health and wholeness by forgiving the ones who hurt you. Forgive to Live isn’t just a catchy title or an easy-to-remember slogan. It’s actually a concise description of an effective way to function in our unfair world. As you will discover, forgiveness is not the easy road, but it is the better road.

Some of you might think of forgiveness as the obvious answer to life’s hurts since forgiveness allows everyone to move on. But here’s the catch: forgiveness, at its core, doesn’t feel fair. In fact, to forgive forces us to accept something that we don’t want to accept: namely, that life isn’t fair. The act of forgiveness recognizes and even trumpets that life isn’t fair.

The truth is, forgiveness does not balance the scales of justice any more than vengeance does. But it will keep your past from destroying your future.

Again, forgiveness is difficult because we all want to believe that life is fair. I know I do! Yet letting the other person off the hook seems so unfair. That is why many hurting people resist forgiving those who hurt them.

Do you still believe that life is fair? I see nothing wrong with wanting it to be fair. Nor is there anything wrong with seeking justice to make things as fair as you can. But, at the end of the day, neither you nor I can control the actions of others. We cannot foresee and prevent every bad thing that happens in life. And since that’s indisputably so, it is clearly impossible to make life fair in every situation.

Once you accept this truth, your only viable option is to learn to forgive. Only through forgiveness can you be set free to go on with your life. Join me on this journey as you learn to Forgive to Live.

A PERSONAL TESTIMONY

I did not reach this conclusion as a result of mere intellectual curiosity. I do not write from an ivory tower. My own experience of undeserved hurt—discovering firsthand that life is not fair despite my demands to the contrary—led me to the place where I could authentically write a book on how to forgive.

For ten years I worked very hard for an organization I deeply believed in. When the company experienced a downturn, it brought in an outside firm to do something called “re-engineering,” a fancy name for figuring out ways to cut costs. In a service industry—and that’s where I was—the primary cost is labor. So company officials started circling employees’ names and handing them the infamous pink slip, stating that their employment with the company had come to an abrupt end.

I got one of those slips.

I felt devastated. How could this be? I had always received stellar performance reviews. My bosses called me a great worker. My co-workers all liked me. The people I reported to were personal friends of mine; we often did things together socially. And yet I went into work one day, was handed a note, and was told curtly, “Today’s your last day of work. Pack up and go.” And that was it— after I’d been there all those years!

Like anyone else, I went through the stages of grief with the loss of my job. First came shock: I couldn’t believe I’d been let go. And then denial: “No, it couldn’t be me! There are a lot of other people they should have fired before me. I’m a hard worker. I delivered. I’m well liked. It can’t be!” But I couldn’t escape the reality that I was not going in to work the next day.

As the truth settled in, I found myself getting increasingly angry and feeling more and more hurt. But I had no idea what to do with all these feelings. What could I do to get my job back? Answer: nothing.

Then I started thinking: I have to do something! It’s not fair! Maybe I can contact someone on the board. Maybe I should go to that person’s house and explain how bad this decision was. I started fantasizing about what I could do to get back, to get even, to balance the score. Even though I never acted on my fantasies, I just couldn’t let them go.

Obviously I had to work, so I eventually found another job with a different company. But I soon made some startling discoveries. For one thing, I had a hard time investing in my work. I’m not going to give any company my all, my 120 percent plus again, I thought. Why should I? I’m not going to give my sweat and blood to another organization when people can just fire me tomorrow if they want to.

I also noticed that I didn’t have the energy and passion for my work that I once had. I felt worn out, tired, exhausted. I did the job, but it didn’t excite me. I felt deeply discouraged and didn’t care much about anything. I certainly wasn’t happy.

In time I began putting on weight. My blood pressure shot up. My doctor told me, “We’re going to have to put you on a blood pressure- lowering medication.” His words struck me hard. I had always been athletic and had never suffered from any disease, but suddenly I heard from my doctor that I needed to start taking drugs. Something big was going on here!

As I reflected on my current life situation, I discovered that I was holding on to a huge amount of resentment about what had happened in my previous job. I was spending a great deal of energy thinking about my grievance story and what I could do to get back at the people at my former workplace who had hurt me. I felt perfectly justified in thinking those things—but eventually I began to realize the extremely high price I was paying by thinking this way. Even though in my mind I was trying to make them pay a price and therefore make life fair, the truth was that, two years after I’d lost my job, the only one paying a price was me.

My health suffered in three primary areas:

• Spiritually, I was feeling crummy about life and had begun to question whether it had any meaning or purpose. My days seemed to consist of nothing more than waking, working, eating, sleeping, and then starting all over again with exactly the same routine the next day. Was this all there was to being alive? Would this be my day-to-day experience for the rest of my life?

• Psychologically, I didn’t see myself as angry—I wasn’t shouting or screaming or pounding walls—but my wife assured me that my short temper had grown even shorter. I had an edge in my voice whenever she said something that hit me the wrong way. My anger had settled into a deep resentment that revealed itself in my continual recalling of how terribly I had been mistreated. I certainly wasn’t relaxed and at peace with life. In fact, I was moving toward depression.

• Physically, I was gaining weight, my blood pressure was rising, and I wasn’t exercising or even playing anymore. I had no energy, no zest for life, and I felt blah most of the time.

Once I realized what was happening to me and the terrible price I was paying for my reaction to what someone had done to me, I began to read books and articles in an attempt to understand my experience. I also talked to trusted friends. What could I do to let go of this resentment? In time I came across what should have been an obvious answer: forgiveness is a way to let go of unfair situations. Without question, not forgiving was saddling me with seriously undesirable consequences. My doctor made it clear that high blood pressure can stem from many factors, but he thought that, in my case, reducing my anger and resentment might provide physical relief.

Now, I had never intended not to forgive; in fact, I didn’t even realize I had that choice. I was just replaying in my mind the sad story of what had happened to me and my complete inability to do anything about it. But I discovered I wasn’t doing anything to change my situation for the better—and I was hurting myself.

So I began learning how to forgive. And I can honestly say that it wasn’t easy. It didn’t happen just by my saying, “OK, I forgive you. Now everything’s fine.” I had to learn some steps, some processes, some ways of forgiving. Once I began to practice them, my blood pressure gradually returned to normal. I rediscovered a passion for living. I became much less moody at home. And, in learning to let go of my anger, I began to reinvest in life, reenergize my career, and get back on track with my life’s purpose.

It felt as though I had discovered a miracle!

My success made me wonder if I could help others learn the same process and enjoy similar benefits. Could I teach people with high blood pressure how to forgive and thereby help them achieve the same results I had? I started teaching about forgiveness, and soon physicians began to refer their patients to me. Eventually I designed a study to investigate whether forgiveness could have measurable health benefits. I took the participants through an eight-week program that taught them the practice and the art of forgiving (see appendix).

The data we collected was nothing short of remarkable. At the beginning of the study, we gave all participants a psychological test that measured anger and hostility. We found that, by the end of the eight weeks, individuals with high blood pressure and elevated anger, who practiced forgiveness as taught in my seminar, were successful at both reducing their anger and lowering their blood pressure. Beyond that, participants spoke a lot about improved relationships and reinvesting in life.

Forgiveness really worked!

So if it worked for me and if it worked for the hundreds of people who came through our “Forgive for Life” training program, I thought I needed to share it with as many people as possible so others might experience for themselves the enormous power of forgiveness. And that’s what this book is about: how to get beyond your anger, move past the undesirable event that’s keeping you trapped, and find a healthy solution that will give you back your life.

Forgiveness can free you from the past and open the door to a bright world of possibilities that you may not have even dared to imagine. Forgiveness is not merely a concept to be studied but a practical way to live life. So in each chapter I will invite you to practice what you learn by giving you an assignment. Here’s the first one:

ASSIGNMENT

What injustice, if any, would you like to correct so life will seem fairer to you? Name that injustice.
In the incident you just identified, who hurt you?
How has this incident affected you?
What attempts to correct this injustice have you made?
Take the forgiveness journey test to get a read on your current understanding of forgiveness.